I am still totally, utterly jobless. I am videotaping a wedding next weekend, but that will hardly pay $100. I’m taking soccer pictures for one local team, but that will probably profit less than $100. Beyond that, I have nothing. Nobody will call me back, and I don’t know what to do. Thus, I have resorted to applying for “normal” jobs - as in, jobs completely unrelated to my field, and that anyone still in high school could probably get hired for. I just need money to come IN at this point, instead of continuously going OUT.

Also, it would appear our household will be having some new inhabitants for “a couple of months.” (Which generally means SIX YEARS around here.) What’s more, is this was decided without even asking what Josh and I think of it. True, our names are not on the contract for this house and we don’t pay much rent, but we DO contribute, and it just would’ve been nice to know that the people we live with consider our feelings.

You see, my sister’s husband’s half-brother has been sharing an apartment with his boyfriend for quite some time now. They have been friends with one of my old, old friends for a while now, Rebecca. Rebecca moved in with them, and then apparently went crazy. She’s my age and dating a 47-year-old man with a 19-year-old daughter, making porno with him and proudly showing it to people, spending ridiculous amounts of money on him with her credit card, etc. He has apparently been abusing her, and breaks up with her every day for something stupid. Arguments arose, as Rebecca refuses to see him for what he is, and Sean and Beau (the boys) wanted her out of the apartment. More violence has ensued since then, so Sean and Beau have decided to allow the situation to “force” them out of their own apartment.

Hence, Jennifer and Roger offer them our house, without consulting anyone else. Although apparently our mother knows, because Jen said she “thought Mom told me about it.” Um, no. I come downstairs and Roger and Sean are moving Sean’s giant fish tank into the great room - um, what’s going on?

They said it’s just until the boys can save a deposit for a new apartment, since they won’t be getting one back for the old one. This makes me nearly certain they will be here until Josh and I move out next year. Been there, done that, I know how this will end. I am not particularly close to either of these boys, and despite the fact that they are gay, I will now feel the need to dress more appropriately while in my own residence, meaning I will become more isolated to my bedroom, because I prefer being comfortable (ie. wearing as little as possible).

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I used to relish being left alone in my house. Even when it was just my mom and me living together, and I was frequently alone because she was at work while I was out of school, I still appreciated every second of solitude. I am simply not a very social person, and I get frazzled when my personal agenda is thrown off by social engagements. This, however, was before we moved into a house large enough for seven people to comfortably live together.

Now, with so many people under one roof (including two children), I am rarely the only one in the house. But I don’t mind so much anymore. Have you ever been left alone, all through the night, in a GIGANTIC house? It’s scary. Even with two large dogs, who I’m pretty sure could at least mutilate a leg of an intruder before he got to me, I am creeped out by this house when I’m alone at night. And last night was one of those rare occasions when I was left alone. Josh had to work, and the rest of my family went camping at a nearby lake. I didn’t tag along because I am also not really an outdoors person, and I can apparently sunburn IN THE SHADE, as my kneecaps and shins proved at my niece’s last soccer game.

As the only remaining occupant, I was left in charge of all the animals that aren’t mine - the three dogs, hoards of fish, sea turtle, and snake. When you are not usually charged with these duties, it is sometimes easy to forget them. For instance, I forgot to feed the fish and turtle last night. But that didn’t kill them, of course, since they were fed this morning. I did take the dogs out twice, Josh once, and even cleaned up the poop from the computer room that Max had refused to leave OUTSIDE. I checked the snake’s temperature as was asked, because I was to turn off her heat lamp if it got over 90 degrees. When I went to bed last night, it was at 89.

Of course, for the second time during which the dogs were left in my care, Max managed to chew off Diesel’s brand new collar. I felt really bad about this. But, seriously, I had JUST checked Diesel’s collar, because Max had pulled it really tight on his neck, and there were no teeth marks. I go back to playing Sudoku on my DS, I don’t even hear them fighting, and next thing I know the collar is ripped on the floor.

What was really awful, though, was when my family came home this morning. My lovely mother is home for the weekend from work and had gone with them. First, she yells at me for not loading the dishwasher. Then, I hear Jennifer say, “Is she even alive?” out in the hallway. That’s when I remembered I didn’t feed the water animals last night. But, surely they wouldn’t be dead? Well, pissed off, I started loading the dishwasher. Then from the living room, I could hear them saying that Chica’s, the snake’s, temperature was up over 100 degrees. I was like, what? And they continued talking as if I couldn’t hear them, so I screamed, “I CHECKED HER FUCKING TEMPERATURE LAST NIGHT, AND IT WAS 89 DEGREES WHEN I WENT TO BED.” I mean, honestly, how was I to know it would jump 13 degrees while the SUN WAS DOWN? It’s not even as hot in the house today as it was last night - and this all happened before 11:30AM! I finished loading the dishwasher with tears streaming down my face, and came upstairs.

I do not like being left alone.

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I have recently been to a podiatrist. Even he gasped in horror when he looked at my feet.

I’ve had bunions for as long as I can remember - literally. It’s a genetic gift I inherited from my mother, only I received it in a much more severe form. Though it’s always been difficult for me to find comfortable shoes, I’ve never really had a problem with them before. However, the New York City lifestyle, which includes massive amounts of walking for transportation, has apparently taken its toll during its final weeks in my life. Just before graduation, my right big “nub,” as I call it, began throbbing at the end of every day. Eventually it was hurting whenever my big toe bent, period.

I have student health insurance until August 19th. After that, I probably won’t have it again until Josh and I get married next summer. So, under the suggestion of my immediate family, I made an appointment to see what a doctor thought of it. They took x-rays of both of my feet, and five minutes later the doctor walked into my private room with the images in his hands. As he put them onto the lightbox, my sister and I both gasped.

When your bunions stick out as far as mine, you KNOW the inside of your foot must look fucked up. But, I’m telling you, I’ve never felt like more of a freak than when I looked at those x-rays. There is literally at least three-quarters of an inch gap between the dorsal bones of my big and second toes on my left foot. On my right foot? DOUBLE THAT GAP SIZE. It’s like there’s this big hollow space in my foot, and this gap is making my inner foot useless when I walk. Even the bones of the joint of my big toe have grown remarkably large, and the tendons are without a doubt swollen (and what’s making it throb). The bending pain is the actual joint.

Unfortunately, I was not coherent enough after that to ask the doctor for copies of these images to bring home. And I’m somewhat afraid to take pictures of my own feet to post online, as I don’t want you all thinking I am half-shark with my protruding dorsal bones.

The doctor immediately began explaining to me what bunion surgery would be like - meaning he obviously recommends I have it done. The problem is, I will not be healed in time to look graceful at my friend Susan’s wedding in the beginning of September, and I’m a BRIDESMAID. Though this alone may not be reason enough to forgo a necessary surgery, I would also not be able to work taking pictures during this time. And since I haven’t even STARTED a job to take time off from, and I would basically have to begin my job search all over again in three months, this is just really bad timing, what with my insurance running out.

Fortunately, Doc says it’ll be okay to wait until next year for the surgery. He did have me buy these crazy expensive shoe inserts, and also told me I have to buy new shoes to put them in. This should help prevent the pain from getting much worse over the next year.

But at my appointment (last Tuesday), he pressed on my feet in different directions to see how my toes and stuff worked. And when he pressed directly onto my bunion from the side, I literally screamed in his face, it hurt so bad. Since then, I’ve been experiencing these new! wonderful! different! pains than that of the past few weeks. It will stop occasionally, and start up randomly. The joint is hurting now more than ever when it bends, though the general throbbing seems to have slowed down. I’m just soaking it, creaming it, and wrapping it. There’s not much more I can do without the surgery.

So, Josh gets to look forward to taking care of his gimpy wife during the first few months of our marriage. How romantic!

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When I called the Wal-mart portrait studio in Radcliff yesterday morning to see why I hadn’t gotten a callback in almost two weeks, after I told the studio manager she’d interviewed me on the phone, she said, “Oh, hmm… Let’s see… Are you free this afternoon?” So I ended up getting a 4:30 interview that same day.

It went quite well. The manager is extremely nice and laid back, and perhaps even laughs a little too much. I was able to relax with her and I think she liked me and my “interview answering style,” so I have a good feeling about this one. She told me before it would be $7 an hour plus commission (which usually only adds up to $10 a week, up to $50 on her best weeks). But I can make that work, especially if I start getting some side jobs. And technically it will be part time, 16-25 hours a week, but since the Wal-mart studios have high turnover and constantly need help, she said I can studio hop between there and E-town and Bardstown and pick up enough shifts for full-time hours. And, come Christmastime, I would apparently be practically full-time at the one studio anyway. So, it sounds good to me.

Josh and I have, as a duo, gotten into the show True Blood on HBO. We just happened to catch the beginning of the marathon of the first season this weekend, and have been watching all three episodes every night since. I love vampires, he loves blood and boobs, so it just works for us. I actually think it’s the first thing we’ve discovered, and enjoyed, together. (Besides sex.) Unfortunately, since he works nights, he missed last night’s episodes and will miss most of tonight’s. So I get to sleepily recap him on everything whenever he gets home and into bed early in the morning.

Last night, I was completely alone in the house all night. Jen and Roger took the kids camping with their soccer team. I used to really enjoy my alone time, but out here in the middle of nowhere in a big empty house, it is REALLY creepy. I’m not too worried about anything happening to me, because our 70-pound mutt Diesel and the new pit bull Caramel would not let anyone hurt me without at least taking a chunk out of them. But when they start barking at some unseen object moving around outside, it makes my heart race. Our cat Priss, who can tell whenever someone is not feeling well, decided to spend the True Blood marathon in my lap. Later on, Diesel and I spooned on the couch (and wouldn’t you know, a big fat half-husky, half-chocolate lab dog is really quite soft and comfortable). I didn’t even want to go to bed, because at least staying in the living room, I already knew there wasn’t someone else in there.

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This has been a super-fun week. Josh’s grandfather died early Tuesday morning - it’s been coming for weeks now, but as with my own great grandmother, being prepared didn’t make it any easier for Josh. We went to the viewing Wednesday, and the funeral was yesterday, at which Josh was a pallbearer.

It was a nice ceremony, considering it was religious and all. I just have one thing to say - Baptist preachers are FRIGHTENING.

A-MEN-UH!

Josh is really doing quite well… as far as I can tell. He allowed himself to cry in front of me the morning he told me, but he’s mostly kept it to himself. But I think he is dealing with it, just in his own, quiet way.

I have had a couple of phone interviews and one face interview with portrait studios nearby, but no callbacks. I am pretty sure I won’t get one because they thought I was a bitch for wanting to be assured there were opportunities to become full-time after a certain period, and I didn’t bring a portfolio to the interview (even though I wasn’t TOLD to bring one - come on, for a part-time cheesy portrait studio position? You really want a sample?). I don’t know why the others haven’t called me back. They’re the studios in Wal-marts nearby. Is it because I’m overqualified? Does the fact that I am perfectly okay with working there and EAGER TO MAKE MONEY not make a difference?

So I am going to call the Wal-marts nearby again and bug them some more and ask them why they haven’t hired me, and also call to see if the local Sears portrait studio is hiring. With any luck I will be taking the team and player photos for some local community kids’ soccer teams, and if I get a bunch of teams to hire me next season, I can make bank on that stuff. I’m not trying to sound conceited, but I’ve seen previous seasons’ photos, and I am way better than those guys, and I charge less. This should be money in the bank.

But, it still worries me that I can’t seem to get a job in my field. I may have to cave in and start applying for “regular” jobs. :(

I should also apparently be getting a $2000 inheritance from my great grandmother. However, my bitchy cousin, who had power of attorney, supposedly gave all our other cousins their checks on Mother’s Day. And, what, she couldn’t even drop mine and my sister’s in the mail? I know damn well Granny wouldn’t have written me out of her will, so if it was changed, it was my fucking cousin’s doing. And that is total bullshit, because everyone in our family knows I was her favorite great grandchild.

But, if I do eventually get that money, Josh and I will already have a very sizable sum saved ON TOP of our honeymoon fund that we could use towards a down payment on a house. So, I don’t feel quite so much pressure to find work immediately. But, we will not get approved for a mortgage next year if we don’t both have steady incomes, so I really need to get cracking on something.

Today, I tried on bridesmaid dresses for my best friend Susan’s wedding (September 6th!). It’s so exciting for her, but equally exciting for me. I truly did not realize how much my body has changed since losing so much weight since senior year of high school. I picked flattering prom dresses then, but DAMN! Today I realized I have a smokin’ hot figure now. Four years ago, I wore a 16W to prom - today I fit into a 14 (without the W!). It made me excited to start doing dress shopping for my own wedding dress. And to think - I intend to be even skinnier by my wedding!

We got our Xbox 360 from Wal-mart today. I will apparently never have sex again.

That’s all for now. I will try to start posting daily or semi-daily again so I don’t have to throw so much into one big montage post. But, one last thing: WHOOPI GOLDBERG GRABBED MY HAND, Y’ALL.

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I had forgotten how much slower the internet is here at home compared to the speed I got at school. Uploading full-resolution albums to Flickr is KILLING ME. Thus far, I only have one complete one up.

I think I’m finally starting to feel like I’m settled back home… That this is not just a summer vacation, but the beginning of my own personal world of responsibilities. I’ve had two phone interviews as a photographer for portrait studios. The pay at either will be shit, I’m sure, and part time, but I’ll be working my ass off to get some work on the side as well. I hope to hear back from the nearest studio for a face interview in the next day or two, otherwise, I have a face interview in Louisville on Monday. Work is work though, right?

I must say, I have been thoroughly enjoying the fact that I get to be around Josh every single day, and have him crawl into bed with me in the wee hours of the morning when he gets home from work. It is truly a sublime feeling, being as in love as I am.

I do feel that Josh and I have been spending our money rather frivolously the past couple of weeks. I told him he could get the Lego Taj Mahal ($300), I bought a new lens for my camera ($350), and we also got an Xbox 360 while they still had that good 60GB bundle with the two games ($300). However, the first two items were paid for by our respective tax return funds, and the Xbox will be covered by the obscene money I’m making off of eBay selling shit I don’t need anymore. So I think it evens out. Our honeymoon is still covered - we’re just saving for a house down payment at this point, and with both of our credit scores being excellent, I don’t think any bank will be too picky come next year.

I must say, this is one of my most favorite blog re-designs of all time. Simple, clean, pretty. Next up: designing a shopping cart for online proofing at my photography website!

Keep an eye out at my Flickr page for more photos being slowly updated, including my favoritest 6th graders in the whole world, my graduations from NYU (and Whoopi Goldberg!), and more.

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Quite a long absence for me, right? I guess a blog can take the backseat when your life is literally turning to a new chapter before your eyes. It’s too much to write about; your best bet is to just experience it. Being in the moment is the best way to remember.

As on other important occasions, my mother tried to ruin this very special time in my life by making everyone around her feel bad. I refused to let it get to me, and I was able to enjoy my entire last week in New York City.

My niece and nephew saw the city for the first time. They saw the Metropolitan Museum of Art, Times Square, the huge Disney store, the Statue of Liberty, Madison Square Garden, the Seaport, and Yankee Stadium.

Josh bought me my first ever charm bracelet, a Disney one, along with four charms. My mother bought me four more. I guess starting out with a half-full bracelet just makes up for lost time.

I decided some I <3 NY shot glasses would be the most permanent way to remember my time spent in the city.

Whoopi Goldberg spoke at the Tisch graduation. She was fantastic, and very realistic, not bullshitting us about how difficult things are going to be now. She also grabbed my hand when she walked down the aisle to the stage.

Hillary Clinton spoke at the Yankee Stadium graduation. She was exciting for all of twenty seconds, before we all realized her speech would be completely political, and that she would continue to talk for approximately the rest of our lives.

I have received exactly $95 in congratulatory money. Fortunately, my tax returns and final paycheck from AmericaReads will still be big enough for me to get my f/4L 70-200mm telephoto and f/1.4 50mm medium lenses. We also were frugal enough during our last week in the city for Josh to be able to buy the Taj Mahal - his fantasy Lego set he never thought he’d own. (I had to convince him to get it. He was sure I would be disappointed, that that $300 would make or break our chances of buying a house in a year.)

I have spent the past few days at home avoiding my necessary job search. I have fully unpacked, as well as reorganized and cleaned my entire bedroom. I’m about to start looking at job websites and pray I can find something in rural Kentucky related to film editing or photography.

For the first time, I feel very uncomfortable being home. It’s good to be back, and everything is familiar. This time, it’s me that’s changed. I have to get used to this new, necessary balance of handling responsibilities and seeking the joys of life.

As I slowly release my compulsions to clean and organize and OH GOOD GOD GET MY LIFE IN ORDER, expect LOTS of photo uploads, and eventually, a new theme.

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It’s been a very long week for me. I have taken the finals for both of my classes, and I believe I did very well on both. I’ve had final meetings with directors whose films I’ve edited to get final cuts of their movies. I’ve worked my last day at the primary school in Chinatown. I’ve packed nearly everything in my tiny little dorm room.

My family is on its way here as I type. They’ll be here fairly early in the morning, then we’re going to the Metropolitan Museum of Art for a bit (courtesy of a family pass for up to 10 free guests Meagan gave me), and then they will probably all crash for the rest of the day tomorrow. Traveling is exhausting - I should know, I’ve made that car trip nine times myself.

Emotionally, I am all over the place. I thought I would be relieved to be finished with the years and years of school society requires of Americans. Now that the end is near, I’m terrified. Next week, when the final graduation ceremony has ended, my youth and adolescence will officially be over, and I must really begin to take on the responsibilities of adulthood. I don’t want to keep going to school, but I don’t feel ready to begin my adult life, either.

Saying goodbye to the sixth graders I’ve worked with was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. When I took the job as an AmericaReads tutor, I honestly expected to loathe it. And I did, for a while. But then something moved, shifted… and those kids became my friends. They didn’t make the parting any easier on me - they threw me a surprise party, complete with ribbons and poster decorations, munchkin donuts and chips, and gifts. Thalia made me a necklace and bracelet with her own hands. Mariana gave me a Thank You card especially from her. They all pitched in and gave me a $50 gift card for graduation, which is more than some family has bothered to offer. But most important to me was the binder they gave me, full of homemade construction paper cards made by each individual child, giving their own versions of thanks, goodbyes, and memories. That binder will never go into storage.

Right now, I am simply tired. Emotionally, physically, mentally, I am exhausted. The tourist outings this week will honestly probably be quite an effort for me, but I’m willing to make it for the sake of my niece and nephew, who are coming to the city for the first time. But I am very grateful that for the next 80 years, I will not be required to learn anything - the freedom to move at my own pace will be a nice change, I think.

I cry, occasionally. Mostly for the people I’m leaving behind, and the city I’ll miss. I can’t imagine that I will never come back here - I realize now that I love it too much.

I won’t sleep tonight, because I’ll know that every second, Josh is getting closer.

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Gemma saw fit to honor me with a couple of awards. So it’s my turn to pass along!

Now, you guys are supposed to blog about the girls you think deserve this award. I won’t hold a gun to your head or anything, though. :)

Now if you want, you can:

1) Include the award logo in your blog or post.
2) Nominate as many blogs which you like.
3) Be sure to link to your nominees within your post.
4) Let them know that they have received this award by commenting on their blog.
5) Share the love and link to this post and to the person from whom you received your award.

Congratulations girls! And thanks again, Gemma.

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The week of July 9th through the 14th of 2007 was that of the annual Hardin County Fair in Kentucky. It’s something my family and I have done pretty much every year for as long as I can remember. That year, I went with my sister and her family, and wore my new corset top and micro-mini (over capris, of course) to show off. I don’t remember if we went during the week, or if we happened to go on Friday the 13th; though the latter wouldn’t have surprised me, the way the evening turned out.

On the drive there, I was informed that Josh was supposed to meet up with us. After his failure to show up at the Harry Potter movie, I wasn’t about to hold my breath. But even the lack of oxygen couldn’t have killed the butterflies in my stomach.

It was a typical hot, miserable Kentucky summer day. I spent most of the time trying to prevent my precisely done makeup from sweating off. I didn’t ride as many rides as I would have even a few years before; in my old age, the motions were beginning to make me sick. An hour or two after we arrived, before the sun had set, Roger got a call from Josh - he was on his way to meet us.

Cool. No big deal. At least I’d be less of a third wheel to Roger and Jennifer. Not that Josh was my other half, or anything.

After we found him near the parking area, he was extraordinarily quiet for most of the evening. There was even a point where we were somehow left alone at a picnic table together, waiting for the others to pee or get food or something. It was one of the most awkward ten minutes of my life - he didn’t say a single word. In fact, he appeared to be ignoring me altogether, not even looking at me. I was not impressed. My ego was also slightly crushed.

I managed to make a total fool of myself, too. We all decided to ride the big Pirate Ship together, the one that slides back and forth up into the air until you’re parallel with the ground. Well, I should’ve reminded myself before we got on that my body did not enjoy adrenaline as it used to. We weren’t even at the peak of the swinging before I started to turn green. Josh was sitting on the opposite side of the ship from me, between two girls. I had two thoughts running through my head during that entire ride. One: Please, please don’t let me projectile vomit in his direction. Two: Why is that one girl whispering in his ear? What the hell is she saying? WHY IS HE SMILING AT HER AND NOT LOOKING AT ME?

I controlled my seasickness, but I was embarrassingly a source of concern for everyone involved for quite a while after the ride was finished. However, I felt significantly better when I overheard that the girl wasn’t interested in Josh - she was asking him if Roger was married to that woman sitting next to him across the ship, since she realized Josh knew all of us. He had politely informed her that yes, Roger was unavailable, and they had not said anything else to each other.

It was becoming clear to me that, deep down, I really wanted Josh’s attention. And it was frustrating me that even though my sister had informed me of his interest, he was not showing any to me at all on this perfect occasion. I can’t say I blame him, because I blew one of my big excuses opportunities, as well. While we were all standing in line for the bumper cars, a slimeball ex-boyfriend of my sister’s - current friend of Roger’s - came up to us. This guy made my skin crawl, which was not aided by the fact that I was aware he wanted to fuck me. (The fact that I knew he’d had sex with my sister before did not help this, either.) I instinctively hid myself behind Josh as best I could, hoping I would give off the impression that he was my boyfriend-slash-bodyguard, and that the slimeball, Adam, would leave me alone. This would’ve been the perfect time for me to grab Josh’s arm, put my arms over his shoulders, make ANY kind of physical contact. After all, I could later make the excuse that I was just using him to get Adam to leave me alone. But I chickened out, and merely hovered behind him, the smell of his hot skin coming through his shirt to my nose. I sighed.

The story of this night is to be continued next time!

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