Do you often come home late at night, long after your roommate has gone to bed? Well let me tell you, I have experience in that field. Umm… actually, I don’t ever come home after my roommate has gone to bed. But she sure does come in after I’ve hit the sack. So here’s some tips on how to make sure you don’t wake up your roommate when you come in!

• Be sure to scratch up the door around the lock, because you’ll be too drunk to get it into the lock your first try. Might as well get the scratching out of the way, because if you try not to, you’ll just make more noise.
• You MUST be giggling extraordinarily loud, along with the girls you went out with, when you open the apartment door. Otherwise your roommate will not know you’ve brought someone home with you when she wakes up in the morning.
• “Shush!” your guests even louder than you’ve been giggling. Otherwise, your roommate might hear! And after all, the point is not to wake her up!
• After you turn on the karaoke, sing something soothing, like “Material Girl.” It’s a sure bet to make sure your roommate is nice and relaxed.
• Make sure you smoke a lot of pot before going to bed. She’ll thank you in the morning for clearing her sinuses.
• When you finally go in the bedroom, always forget that the door automatically closes. This way you can release it and it will SLAM shut on its own.
• You don’t want to trip over anything that might be in the floor, like all the clothes you tried on before you left! That would make so much noise! So turn on the overhead light when you go in.
• Pick up and put down everything you have on the dresser, including your mirror, picture frame, prescription pills, and deodorant. Just, you know, to make sure their order isn’t offending your roommate’s aura.
• Oh no! What if your roommate is sensitive to light? Hurry and turn off the overhead light, and turn on your LED table lamp that’s closer to her head instead.
• When you climb onto the top bunk, squeak the metal frame as much as possible. Your roommate will subconsciously pick up on the fact that you’re safe in bed, so she doesn’t wake up in the middle of the night, worrying if you’re okay.

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