I have to come to terms with myself. It’s not easy, but there’s something deep down that I have to deal with. Denying it will only allow it to eat me alive.

I am going to be a Bridezilla.

Josh and I aren’t planning on getting married until at least May 2010, and here I am, already making important wedding decisions and drawing up a budget. No, seriously. I’m not joking. I ACTUALLY have a theme, colors, flowers - that wasn’t a joke in an earlier post. Josh just sighs and stares at the computer screen, but I know inside he’s thinking WHAT HAVE I GOTTEN INTO.

My most recent self-appointed wedding task is finding music for the ceremony and reception. Well, I haven’t gotten to the reception yet because the ceremony music has proven difficult enough. But I actually have a possibly final selection laid out that Josh agrees on (although I’m not entirely sure he will say no to anything. I’ve considered telling him I want him to wear a baby shit green tux to see what he says). Of course, new amazing love songs could come out in the next couple of years that I want to use, but these are my “for now” choices.

I would also like to note that for the ceremony, to somewhat keep in line with the Fairy Tale Romance theme, all songs I chose can be found in romance movies (though not necessarily by the same artist), most of them specifically from Disney/fairy tale movies.

Prelude
“I’ll Be Seeing You” by Frank Sinatra (from The Notebook)
“You’ll Be in My Heart” by Phil Collins (from Tarzan)
“All I Ask of You” by Raoul, Christine, & the Phantom (from Phantom of the Opera, the movie version)
“A Whole New World” by Aladdin & Jasmine (from Aladdin, duh)
“Can You Feel the Love Tonight” by Elton John (from The Lion King)
“So Close” by Jon McLaughlin (from Enchanted)
“Can’t Help Falling in Love” by Elvis Presley (from Lilo & Stitch)

I love Frank Sinatra and Elvis was my mammaw’s all-time favorite musician, so the first and last songs are particularly special.

Processional of Bridal Party
“Wedding Processional” from The Sound of Music

I mean the part before the “how do you solve a problem like Maria” kicks in. I’m not sure if it will be long enough, though, so I’m going to see if I can loop it.

Processional of Bride (ME!)
“Ice Dance” by Danny Elfman (from Edward Scissorhands)

I’ve always been into darker movies, Tim Burton, and Danny Elfman. This song is also beautiful as shit.

Recessional
“Accidentally in Love” by Counting Crows (from Shrek 2)

I wanted something upbeat and happy for when we leave the aisle as husband and wife. Plus, the lyrics are totally appropriate, as I SO did not plan on falling for Josh - or ever getting married.

I have a couple songs picked out for the reception, but I still have some iTunes digging to do. If I choose to do the father/daughter dance, I’d like “Young at Heart” by Frank Sinatra. My dad and I both love Frank, that’s my favorite song, and my dad was the one who taught me that growing old doesn’t mean acting old. I also like “Ever Ever After” by Carrie Underwood as the final song of the evening - an upbeat fairy tale song to encapsulate the whole meaning of the event.

The big song I’m having trouble with is the song for our first dance as a married couple. We don’t have a “song” yet, so the one we choose will become it, I guess. Really, the only meaningful song we have is “Hey There Delilah” which I fear would be terribly depressing on the dance floor. I’d use “Grow Old with You” by Adam Sandler from The Wedding Singer if my brother-in-law’s cousin hadn’t just used it at his wedding. And I just wouldn’t feel right using the same song as someone I know, you know? But, you know, we’ve got a couple years to figure it out.

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I didn’t call my dad yesterday. I told my sister I was going to, and she said, “Why?” Jen says if he wanted to talk to me, even if he didn’t have my number, he could find a way to get it, like through my grandparents on his side. So I didn’t.

———————
Even though I know it’ll probably never happen, I often daydream about how nice it would be for Josh and me to both be SAH parents. I mean, anybody would think it’s awesome for both halves of a couple to be able to live well while both working from home (or one working from home and the other reaping the benefits, however you want to do it). But there’s a lot more to be said about it.

1. We’d never have to endure the anxiety of dropping our children off with strangers while we both work.

2. We wouldn’t miss any of the ever-important “firsts,” because we’d always be there to catch them.

3. I would have tons of time to sew ninja hoods or make paper mache butterfly wings.

4. There would just be so much more time in general, especially when you cut out the time it takes people to travel to and from work. We could get so much done and try so many things we wouldn’t normally be able to.

5. Family vacations would be easy to plan, because we’d be making our own work hours!

6. Josh and I could bone at any opportunity - when the kids are at school, playing outside, sleeping, etc.

7. I’d always be at my computer, ready to blog about these things at the drop of a hat.

I’m part-way there right now, making a cool $600-$1200 a month online right now. But that’s just not enough for raising a family. So I’m going to finish my (essentially useless) degree next year and Josh is going to look for a better job with climbing opportunities and in the meantime, I will continue searching for online opportunities. This one’s working out well already… we just need more.

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I got all my hair chopped off yesterday. I suppose I had been growing it out - for no apparent reason - since I’d broken up with Sean last year. I had kept it short, as in shoulders or above, for about four years. And yesterday, it was about four inches past my shoulders. And it was irritating me.

So I went to the hairdresser that I have gone to exclusively since I was born to have her fix that. (Even when I’m away in New York for four months at a time, I wait until I come home to get it cut. Not because she’s the best, but because I have a horrible aversion to changing long-standing traditions.) She did exactly what I wanted her to: Blunt cut with very subtle layers just above my shoulders, just long enough to still be able to pull the majority of it into a ponytail. I feel much freer now.

——————–
Speaking of change, my father and stepmother are, I am 99% sure, getting a divorce. Of course, I haven’t actually spoken to either one of them since the last time I visited them about three and a half weeks ago, at which time my dad said he still wasn’t sure if he was going to move back in with Judy. Well, he supposedly sent her the mortgage bill, saying he wasn’t paying it for her anymore. This is all news I gathered from my sister, who received a series of text messages from Judy revealing small details of the situation. Judy only texted me to ask if I’d burn her the Maroon 5 CDs.

Why my dad hasn’t called me yet is hard for me to figure out. There are multiple possible answers:

1. He doesn’t want to call me.

2. He is utterly terrified to call me, as he has not actually done so himself in about 10 years. Judy always called me, then handed the phone to Dad.

3. He doesn’t actually have my cell phone number, since he’s never actually called me.

I don’t have my dad’s cell phone number either, since no one bothered to give it to me. But Judy did give Jennifer his work numbers, since Jennifer needed it for some sort of federal form that had nothing to actually do with him. So I’m going to call him today, since he works 7AM-7PM Central time on weekends. I don’t know what I’ll say.

Since my former second family is now falling apart, I think I’m subconsciously clinging hard to my new one - Josh’s family. Last night we drove an hour to Bonnieville to have dinner at Bacon Creek Cafe. His parents live only about 20 minutes from my house, but it was his mom’s birthday and that’s where she wanted to eat. I ate a lovely meal of chicken tenders and fries while his dad pretended to steal my cole slaw and his mom kept telling me to slap the both of them.

Normally, at the thought of spending time with someone else’s family, or strangers in general, I would get the feeling that I need to vomit and wish that I suddenly had violent diarrhea so I’d have a good excuse not to go, and could provide the liquid excrement as proof that it wasn’t just because I was a snotty bitch. But it’s not like that with Josh’s family. I don’t think it’s just because they’re going to be my in-laws and I feel I have to get along with them, because I never did like going to Sean’s parents’ house after three years of being together. Granted, Sean and I had no chance of ever getting married, but his family never welcomed me the way Josh’s does. They’re just like my family, really: all crazy, talkative, and constantly picking on each other. I just feel right at home when I’m with them. After dinner we even went to his grandfather’s (where his aunt Betty also lives) and stayed for a couple of hours, just talking - until I nearly passed out on their couch. I guess I should’ve felt embarrassed at how rude falling asleep on their couch would’ve been, but I was too enthralled at the fact that I was comfortable enough to do so in their presence. I wasn’t all bug-eyed, sitting up straight, eagerly nodding my head at everything Pappy had to say. And he didn’t look at me like I was the devil come to corrupt his son.

Just more evidence that Josh and I are clearly meant to be.

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When I started this website, I already owned Say Anything’s album In Defense of the Genre (both discs). And I had listened to it a few times. But, oddly enough, I did not pick my domain name out of the track list.

I’m sure that listening to the song had allowed it to ingrain its lyrics into my subconscious, and when “Retarded in Love” floated through my mind, I thought, “Wow, that’s a great name! Where on earth did I come up with that?”

But after listening to the song again, and sitting down and reading the lyrics over and over, I just have to say: THOSE LYRICS HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH ME OR JOSH OR MY FEELINGS TOWARD LOVE. At all. Because I don’t think I’d pick a song with phrases like “waking up in puddles of piss” as our love song.

Which reminds me: I need to figure out what our song is within the next two years, or the first dance at our wedding could be quite embarrassing.

The lyrics to “Retarded in Love” by Say Anything

They take advantage of him all of the time
Their fingers rape his cavities
Probing for a hidden cliche
He’s a fruit that got in gravity’s way
He’s the first to tell you he’s full of shit
Like that’s half a compliment for men
Though he’s waking up in puddles of piss
He marinates his metaphors in them

And in this moment
La, lalaladada, lalaladada, lalaladada
They’ll be falling in love
La, lalaladada, lalaladada, lalaladada

She takes photographs of people she knows
She brings out the best and worst in them
And god is buried deep in the folds
Of her fractured self and the lies that they’ve told
She used to laugh at everything old
It was a joke that never aged a bit
But when they robbed her of her infinite smile
She said maybe I’ll just play dead for a while

And in this moment
La, lalaladada, lalaladada, lalaladada
They’ll be falling in love
La, lalaladada, lalaladada, lalaladada

I’m right here and I must admit
I’ve been pining for you
You’re my wish
When I touch my self I am conjuring you
For fresh dirt
When we talk all night and the minutes are free
I just hope when I cast my spell you’ll be falling for me

Because
Falling in love could be the first thing
Falling in love could be the worst thing
Theres no rehearsing
Retarded in love

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Dear Josh,

Being home the last couple of months has been total heaven. I’ve been able to see you, live and in person, whenever I have the urge. And there has not been a day gone by this summer that I did not want to see you. And, even better, I can tell you always want to be with me. I can’t tell you enough how good that makes me feel.

The first few weeks of the summer were filled with blissful hours of nothing. I have always been the kind of person that had to constantly work, plan, make to-do lists. But with you… Well, I never thought I could enjoy doing nothing as much as I do with you. When we’re sitting on the couch together watching TV, or lying in the bed, I am completely at peace. My mind isn’t racing, wondering what it is I should be doing to be more productive. Somehow, I feel I am accomplishing something much greater simply by being next to you.

Even though we don’t plan on being married for a couple years (May 2010, if I have any say in it!), my mother and sister - and, okay, me too - have already begun certain wedding preparations. We have a budget. I have a theme (fairy tale romance) and colors (white, mauve, and black accents). I’ve planned our honeymoon (six nights at the Hilton in Cancun). I always try to backtrack and say, “Hey, honey, I know I already typed this in the Excel file, but what do you think?” And you always just smile and nod and say it sounds great. And I love you for that.

We’ve talked about money. You know I want to save a down payment for a house before we get married, so that when we do come back from Cancun, we don’t have to return to my mother’s house or your house shared with Bobby. I want us to truly start our lives together when we get married. And I know you know that means finding a different job, one you can move up in. But if picking your nose for nickels on the street makes you infinitely happy, then I’d love to be poor with you, as long as you’re smiling. But I feel you want the same things I do, which includes a nice house and children. And we have to be able to afford these things. And I am happy to wait patiently while you figure out what it is you want to do, and are willing to do, to get them.

On that note, I started a job for the summer as well. Since I started working, I haven’t been able to see you as much, and it kills me a little every day I have to work. Much of the time I see you, you’re asleep - naked as a jaybird. I don’t mind. I love hearing the change in your breathing and watching you roll around under my purple leopard print comforter. And then I kiss you and you subconsciously hug me and I say “See you in the morning” before I head off to work. These moments are so much sweeter than I could’ve imagined.

The one hiccup in all this happiness was when I realized that you’ve formed a habit of telling me tiny, white lies. It’s happened a couple times before, and then it happened again when your brother let it slip that you used to smoke when you were 14. And I had asked you specifically before if you’d ever smoked, and you’d said No. I just wanted to know why you would lie about something so small. You said it was because you thought it didn’t matter since you don’t do it anymore. And that’s true - but I don’t want you to lie about those things. I want to know all your faults and mistakes, because whether you know it or not, I love you more with each one I discover. Because it makes me realize how much we really are alike.

Forever and ever,

Michelle

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