Tip #1:

DO NOT SHAVE YOUR PUBIC HAIR. You are simply perpetuating the male fantasy of having unrealistically (not to mention unnaturally) bald cooches on everyone, which is kind of sick when you think about it, because if men prefer bald cooches, I believe that means they secretly prefer pre-pubescent poon. Which is wrong.

Problem #1:

If you’ve been letting your garden grow for a while, even the best razor might not be able to handle it alone. You’re going to need at least three sharp razors, some scissors, and possibly a weed-whacker.

Problem #2:

Going for a close shave will almost definitely result in ingrown hairs. These are the red bumps you see on your hair follicles, which sometimes appear to be filled with pus. This is an INFECTED FOLLICLE. Do not try to pop it. It’s not a zit. Some of the best methods to help it clear up are to take a hot shower to loosen the pore, gently exfoliate it with a loofah to try and loosen the hair trapped under the skin, then pull it out with tweezers. If you’re not into tweezing, you can apply a damp, hot cloth to it three times a day, followed by salicylic acid.

Tip #2:

The best method to cure ingrown hairs, however, is to AVOID THEM COMPLETELY. Unfortunately, this means that you are simply not going to get the closest shave - the kind your boyfriend desires. This is because to avoid ingrown hairs, you have to shave WITH the grain of your hair growth. For most girls, this means shaving down, not up. But think of it this way: Would you rather have a nearly sandpaper-like stubble for a couple days, or have your entire cooch red with ingrown hairs for two weeks? Choose the lesser of two evils. (OR JUST DON’T SHAVE YOUR WHOLE COOCH.)

Tip #3:

After shaving, whether you go up or down or side to side, apply baby oil will also help prevent ingrown hairs AND give a better illusion of the smooth coochie coo you’re looking for. You can apply it every day after your shower to continue the effect.

Tip #4:

Before shaving, let your hoohoo soak in a long, hot bath. It’ll soften the hair, making it easier to shave, as well as allow you to get a closer shave while still being safe.

Problem #3:

If you’re like me, and allergic to all forms of shaving cream, shaving in general can be a bitch. But I’ve found that the Bath & Body Works creamy body washes - in any scent - work well as a shaving cream substitute, when applied with a soft loofah. It makes your skin smooth so the razor glides right over the skin and cuts the hairs close.

Problem #4:

You have horrible itching about three days after shaving yourself bald, and it lasts for nearly a week.

THAT’S WHAT YOU GET FOR SHAVING YOUR COOCH.

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