Towards the end of my teenage years, I began to wonder how it was that I would know I was in love, IF I was ever actually in love. Would my body feel differently? Would heart-shaped smoke rings emit from my nostrils? Or would I simply lose all sense of my former goals and reasoning over some oily beau-hunk?

As it turns out, that last one is kind of accurate, but that’s beside the point.

I was with my ex, Sean, for over three years. I figured that after three years, I must’ve loved him. I mean, that’s a long time to be with one person! But I never really felt different from the day we started dating to the day we broke up. In fact, after the relationship ended, I realized that it was probably not good to be slightly repulsed each time your boyfriend wanted to kiss you. So I wondered if love was real, or if it was something irrational (aka not like me) people made up to feel better. I got really worried.

The first time I met Josh, there were no sparks. But the more we were around each other, the more I grew to love his shy way of adoring me from afar. I found ways to get his attention, which was actually not constantly on me - which drove me nuts, since I had already been informed that he did indeed like me.

But I had been nuts just before Sean and I started dating. I wanted his attention, and basically pursued him. So this was not new.

The first time Josh and I held hands though was a completely new sensation. I won’t get graphic, but let’s just say his hand on my hand alone caused some very good tingles in some very good places. This did not happen with Sean. So I knew there was at least a sexual attraction there that I had never had with anyone before.

Josh said he loved me from that moment. I can’t say it happened so quickly for me, I suppose because I was so skeptical about it in the first place that I wouldn’t let myself. The first time I saw Josh cry, I had a weird feeling inside me, and I felt that I cared for him more than I probably should have one month into the relationship. But I think for me, falling in love was a slow process that happened over the phone during the next semester that we were apart. Because when I came home, I wanted nothing more than to see him. Not even touch him or talk to him (which I did want to do), but just to see him would make my life whole again.

How do I know for sure I love him now? I have no doubts. I am not scared or worried about spending the rest of my life with him. I am not unsure when I say that aloud to other people. He has had the power to change my goals and plans for the future - something no other person, even the closest to me, has ever been able to do, because I am very stubborn and strong-willed. And he’s done it without even asking me to.

Josh just melts me like butter.

I don’t know if a sexual attraction is required to be in love, and that’s why I love Josh and I never loved Sean. But either way, I have a great dose of love AND lust, and I’m pretty sure that’s the formula to a long-lasting, happy relationship.

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