Yesterday was very much a “rollercoaster” day. I was having a fabulous time for part of the day, and the other part, I wish I could have impaled myself with a samurai sword, then dragged my own body to the lake and thrown it in.

We spent the first few hours in Splashwater Kingdom. I absolutely love the wave pool, even though it continuously tries to drown me with its unexpectedly massive waves. Then Josh and I went on this terrifying water ride called the Tornado, which was not bad, but which I will never do again. Then we all went on the Deluge, which is like a water rollercoaster, and I loved that. The new Mega Wedgie is basically for kids, as my legs dangling off the inner tube kept hitting the sides of the sliding part. (Although, I must say, it definitely gave me the biggest bathing suit wedgie of my life by the end.)

We ate lunch in the truck with some stuff we brought in a cooler to save a little money, then went back in in our dry clothes. At the subtle encouragement of my fiance, we signed up for the Skycoaster - which is basically a triangle of poles in between which you’re elevated 180 feet off the ground by a cable, and then you release yourself and fly back and forth.

WHY did I not realize this was a bad idea? See, when I was little, I was not afraid of heights. At all. But it seems I have somehow developed the phobia in the past few years. Sophomore year in college, we shot a film on a rooftop, and I kind of freaked out about hopping down one story to another rooftop. Then last semester, I totally flipped on the music video shoot where we had to scale a ginormous cliff. Well, in case you hadn’t guessed it yet, when we were pulleyed to the top of the Skycoaster, I completely lost it.

When we were first paying for our tickets, I guess I tried to block out any fear. I thought, even if I think I won’t like it, if I go ahead and do it with Josh, I’ll actually end up thinking it’s the coolest thing ever and have this awesome memory with him. You know? Like how some of the things you think will be the worst end up being awesomely life-changing.

THIS WAS NOT ONE OF THOSE SITUATIONS. I was okay when they put the harness apron on. I was okay when they hooked us together on the main cable, and even when they dropped us to where our faces were six feet from the floor as we dangled. But as we were gradually pulled that 180 feet above the gravel and concrete below us, and I could very plainly see the entire world from our position, I actually began hyperventilating. I had trouble breathing. Josh just kept telling me to calm down, that it would be fun - and I still kind of believed him. It’s important to note that I went into this with a positive attitude, and maintained it even while hyperventilating. We had designated Josh to pull the rip cord, as I had a slight feeling it might not have happened if I’d been the one appointed to do it.

I don’t even remember most of what happened. I don’t remember the guy from the ground talking to us through the microphone, or the countdown to the rip cord pull. I just know that Josh pulled it, and at that instant, I thought I knew what it felt like right before you’re about to die. We plummeted straight down. Halfway through I closed my eyes, waiting to enter heaven (or hell). Because on the way down the first time, before the cable slack is picked up, you truly feel like you’re free falling with nothing to hold you. Josh was laughing and screaming, but without any warning, I began crying after that initial drop.

So there we were, swinging back and forth like retarded, cocooned acrobats, with Josh feeling like shit and saying “It’ll be over soon” and me crying uncontrollably while trying to remember to breathe. On our first swing, I could hear my mother and sister laughing and giggling, thinking we were both enjoying it. Then, when we swung backwards and they saw my horribly contorted face, they said, “Uh oh.”

Oh, it’s something I’ll remember forever. Just not in a good way. And you know, they said there’s a 300-foot Skycoaster in Florida? Yeah, I’m pretty sure I would literally have a heart attack on that one. EFF THAT. EFF THAT IN THE ASS.

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