Never think it can’t happen to you

At the start of my Abnormal Psychology class, we were warned about the “medical student syndrome” - where students studying this stuff tend to start analyzing themselves and thinking they have all of the problems they’re thinking about.

I don’t know if I actually have this syndrome. It is difficult to be objective when diagnosing yourself, I guess. I’m not even a Psych major, I’m just a minor. But I am really terrified that I am falling into depression.

The whole thing with the movie organization yesterday was just a small cherry on top of a sundae full of shit. All of this work is stressing me out; even when I get all of my work done for the day, I have this very strong need to keep moving moving moving, find more work, get more done, be more productive. I haven’t actually sat down to watch one episode of one TV show the entire semester so far. As an American, I feel like there’s something wrong with that. (Sad, but it probably is indicative of something wrong with my brain. I just can’t stop DOING THINGS.)

I also miss my family terribly. No semester before have I been so acutely aware of how alone I am up here in the city. And it’s not because I don’t have a lot of friends. But for some reason, I don’t enjoy going out with them. It feels too forced and I don’t feel like going out and spending precious money just to put myself in awkward situations. I prefer to be alone, if not with my family.

I’m especially missing Josh something awful. I thought I was doing pretty good after he left; I cried a lot before they left to go back to Kentucky, but then I was okay. But I think I’m kind of repressing a lot of my anxiety, and just how much I miss him and need him around me. Lately, every time I get extra stressed or worried about something, I instinctively think about Josh and wish I could go home and just have him hold me. I miss him so much.

And of course, none of this would be contributing to a diagnosis of happy and joyful.

Depression runs in my family. My mom was depressed for a long time, my sister was, and I was depressed for the first time in middle school. I’ve been fine since, and I thought that since I had been able to change my mental state and my entire way of thinking that I would be impervious to this disorder ever after. Well, I guess genetics don’t give up that easily.

I am sad. I want to go home.

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